Child! Why must you do so many things that stress me out? When will you understand that I NEED silence? Please please let your food go from the bowl to your mouth without spilling for just one meal time today!
I can feel the pressure building inside of me. I’m trying to breath deep. I’ve been successful at holding it together up ’til now… what’s a few more hours?
I’ll go to Pinterest… there’s bound to be some inspirational quote or blog post on how to not lose your shit on your children. Seriously kid! Stop asking me for a story! Can’t you see I’m trying to self improve here! More deep breathing… this time with my eyes closed. All of those bloggy, Pinterest moms already have it all together anyway. What would they know about wanting to vaporize your children for just an hour of peace?
I know! I’ll get proactive… It must be the clutter driving me crazy… not my children. Small victories… the counter is cleared and wiped, the dishwasher unloaded and then loaded again… What the heck! What in the world made you think it was a good idea to take the clean spoons I just put away and scoop dirt out of the plants on to the shag area rug. Really kid… you just aren’t quite understanding the gravity of the situation here are you?
I should call someone. Except that would mean admitting that I feel like I am on the verge of being a bad mom. It means losing my pride. It means exposing my most vulnerable place. Plus who has the time to hear my miseries. I’ll just sit here and wallow in being afraid and make up excuses, and telling myself lies.
There is a truth though, the truth is I want to be told “You are not alone.” Not so I can continue along the same life sucking path. Not so I can feel like I have permission to actually explode. Because this is not every day… And the guilt that comes after a mommy tantrum is way worse than trying to clean potting soil out of the carpet. Maybe the next sentence can be “Have courage friend, I’ll pray for you and then you can try again.” Then I will gain strength, and head back to the trenches with a little healing, and try to do better.